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This has been one of those weeks when I find myself wanting to give up on Christianity as a movement and head out to be with good ole pagans who may not believe the right thing, but seem more intent on actually living out the way of Jesus.

It started with a conversation I was watching on another blog site about the nature of heresy. I found my heart grieving as persons recited empty formulas as weapons against other brothers and sisters in Christ. In a hurting and dying world, filled with pain and hunger and despair, is arguing over who is theologically "correct" really that important? Why is it that non-Christian folks seem to get along with one another pretty well while those who claim faith seem to spend all their time beating up on one another.

From there I went to a conflict in my church. A member's feelings were hurt when the committee that he was a part of made decisions that were different than what he had recommended. As we left the meeting he was saying that everything was okay . . . but by the next day word came back that he was threatening to leave the church. What shocked the committee was that they had felt like they were being faithful to God's call in the decision that they made, and that they had really come up with a win/win solution to the problem they were trying to address.

Then another member came and shared about a situation with another family that was disheartening, but one that we really couldn't do anything about. The pain in that family was great, but our hands were pretty much tied and all we can do is pray while we watch.

Then another person came and shared that a family that had been faithful givers in the past was withholding their pledge this year, but wouldn't say why. He tried to discern if there was some problem we could address, but the  family refused to talk about it.

How do we respond to unhealthy and immature expressions of conflict. Take the advice of da' preacher, if your preacher is halfway effective, he or she wants and needs to know if there are problems or places of disagreement. In the situations above, one of the realities (it goes with the territory) is that the pastor often becomes what family counseling gurus call "The Identified Patient." Folks are looking for someone to blame about the perceived problems in the church, and the pastor becomes the logical scapegoat. While I can't speak for my colleagues, I have to say that I want to know about and talk about my failings in ministry, of which I know there are many. When folks fail to confront me, they deny me that chance to repent and ask forgiveness if I have truly sinned against them. And in keeping quiet, the church is harmed for it loses the opportunity for grace that comes through honest struggle together.

This makes me tired. But God continues to be at work. Today the group of ministers that I meet with each week, a group that is as theologically diverse as they come, prayed for me and our church. And in the midst of that community, I experienced grace.

I'm still tired, but my soul is a little less week than before.

I had a dream a few minutes ago, so real that it woke me shaking. In this dream I was visiting a church campground that had been a part of my life in the past. I was seeing people that I knew, and there was a certain familiarity to the surroundings. Yet, something didn't seem quite right, for their was a crowd around that seemed to be calling the shots. And for some reason, time seemed to be out of control, and I was tired all the time.

This is where the dream got freaky, for in the midst of this, the leaders of the religious community came up to me and attempted to lay on hands. I felt like I was being shocked with a cattle prod, until another friend broke through and pointed out to me and others that what had happened was that this familiar camp had been taken over by a cult, who used the laying on of hands and sleep manipulation to control new adherents. This group had taken over the church camps, and were trying to suggest to their adherents that they would be killed by God if they stepped outside the property line. After fighting off their attempts at regaining control, we walked to the back end of the property and climbed the fence. When they saw that we were not struck down by God, the whole system fell apart, and true changed began to happen.

What does all of this have to do with this blog? In part it has to do with climbing the fence and regaining control of my life. The demands of ministry are many and the "cults" that attempt to take me off track are always calling. But part of this is about the need for our pastors to admit the the places where circumstances surround and try to co-opt this call of God in their lives.

I don't know where this is all going other than to say "Come join me" as we explore the limits of ministry together.

I've got to get back to sleep, so see you later.